Week 6 – Day 5 (confessions)

As much as I know that future me will have a different opinion, I’d like to write this down just to remember how it feels now. When me and Dave first started talking about having a family, the important questions to answer were whether we felt we were ready or not, and whether we felt like we were at a point in life where we could sacrifice a little of our freedom for the sake of a child. We eventually reached the conclusion that there was never going to be an “optimum” time to do this, and that the “relinquishing” of certain freedoms would be something that we would adjust to and make the best of either way.

With that said we started being slightly more careless with protection, and then before I could think twice about it I’d missed my period. I know that some people try for years, and some couples really long to have a family and can’t wait to become parents. Some people feel like it’s their calling in life to raise children. Well, let me say with 100% certainty (now that I’m pregnant) that that isn’t me… and it’s really got me quite confused.

On TV and in films, and when you hear people talking about having a baby, everyone is so excited and happy and filled with euphoria, and they describe it as if a missing part of them has been filled. I still feel no epic joy about this, I still haven’t been hit with a sense of euphoria, and to be honest, I don’t feel particularly strongly about this embryo that’s growing inside of me (future me might disagree entirely, but please don’t judge). I wonder if more people feel this way, and if what we’re “told to feel” is this cotton candy dream in the same way that people portray their perfect lives on Instagram?

It’s not that I don’t care at all, I want the child to be healthy, and I’ve obviously adjusted my life in such a way to risk minimum harm to it. But I wonder if that’s because I’m just a little bit selfish and want to make MY life easier, as it’s in my mind still an extension of me.

On top of that, me being me, and not thinking things through in its entirety… whenever we did talk about this family stuff, it never really hit me or occurred to me that I would have to live through the 9 months of pregnancy. I know that sounds really stupid (and obviously I knew that I would have to do it), but I never thought about all the ways in which the 9 month waiting period would impact my life. The question always revolved around whether we could handle a baby – once it was here!

So here I am, pregnant and slightly nauseous, and not quite knowing if how I feel about it is appropriate or not. Or if it’s even ok? Or if it’s going to change…

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