Week 14 – Day 5

Not much to write or update about cause everything is just sort of ticking along. Been a bit emotional with the Manchester attack… like more than usual and I’m guessing it’s due to hormones.

It also dawned on me that maybe the reason I haven’t put on weight is that I’ve been loosing muscle mass :/ I basically have not worked out at all in the last two months. What also hit me with this is that it’ll take F-O-R-E-V-E-R to rebuild the (little) strength I had before. Maybe I should try and do some more active stuff now that I’m feeling better again? A light job, or some basic body weights? But I have no clue how much is appropriate, or how hard I can push it…?


Week 6 – Day 5 (confessions)

As much as I know that future me will have a different opinion, I’d like to write this down just to remember how it feels now. When me and Dave first started talking about having a family, the important questions to answer were whether we felt we were ready or not, and whether we felt like we were at a point in life where we could sacrifice a little of our freedom for the sake of a child. We eventually reached the conclusion that there was never going to be an “optimum” time to do this, and that the “relinquishing” of certain freedoms would be something that we would adjust to and make the best of either way.

With that said we started being slightly more careless with protection, and then before I could think twice about it I’d missed my period. I know that some people try for years, and some couples really long to have a family and can’t wait to become parents. Some people feel like it’s their calling in life to raise children. Well, let me say with 100% certainty (now that I’m pregnant) that that isn’t me… and it’s really got me quite confused.

On TV and in films, and when you hear people talking about having a baby, everyone is so excited and happy and filled with euphoria, and they describe it as if a missing part of them has been filled. I still feel no epic joy about this, I still haven’t been hit with a sense of euphoria, and to be honest, I don’t feel particularly strongly about this embryo that’s growing inside of me (future me might disagree entirely, but please don’t judge). I wonder if more people feel this way, and if what we’re “told to feel” is this cotton candy dream in the same way that people portray their perfect lives on Instagram?

It’s not that I don’t care at all, I want the child to be healthy, and I’ve obviously adjusted my life in such a way to risk minimum harm to it. But I wonder if that’s because I’m just a little bit selfish and want to make MY life easier, as it’s in my mind still an extension of me.

On top of that, me being me, and not thinking things through in its entirety… whenever we did talk about this family stuff, it never really hit me or occurred to me that I would have to live through the 9 months of pregnancy. I know that sounds really stupid (and obviously I knew that I would have to do it), but I never thought about all the ways in which the 9 month waiting period would impact my life. The question always revolved around whether we could handle a baby – once it was here!

So here I am, pregnant and slightly nauseous, and not quite knowing if how I feel about it is appropriate or not. Or if it’s even ok? Or if it’s going to change…

Week 6 – Day 4

All quiet on the preggo front. I feel like nothing is happening this week, and now that I’ve gotten used to the sore boobs and minor constant nausea, it’s almost like I’m forgetting that I’m pregnant. I’ve been a bit down, and not wanting to see people. I had to force myself to go out to a pub quiz yesterday cause I’d promised I would, and it was quite fun in the end. But that feeling when I wake up in the morning, that all I want to do is sit on the sofa is still there.

I noticed that the nausea goes away while I’m eating… so my current strategy is to eat little bits all the time. Not sure how sustainable that is though.

For now I just really want to get to that first scan so that I have something more real than random symptoms to grasp. It still feels like it’s not real, as if nothing is in there… I’m hoping that’ll change when I hear a heartbeat, or maybe I’ll just never have an emotional connection to this child?! Daym… Hope that’s not true.